Silly Little Me

I feel like a little rant today (don’t question my judgment in “little”). I try to do my best in everything I do. I try. Of course, I’ve noticed that half the time that I’m wasting my time just sitting there, either playing games on the computer or really, just sitting there. I like to amuse myself by telling myself that I put in my full effort into my homework, studying, and all those things. In the end, I realize that my “full effort” is just exhorted into my vegetating. It’s funny how I like to say I enjoy writing or reading in my free time, but I just happen to forget to say, “Oh, and play mindless, brain-melting-into-putty-degrading games on the computer pretty much most of my life.” I guess I just want to save face.
The stereotypical opinion people have on me when they first meet me is that I’m “pretty”, “smart”, and “nice”. It starts to get annoying when people shower you with this nonsense flattery that just makes you feel like an absolute moron when you fail to meet their unintentional expectations. If I get, say, a ‘C’ on a test, the people around me would say, “You getting a ‘C’? What happened there? Did you forget to study or what?” I find that those are pretty embarrassing comments.
I actually prefer insults over compliments sometimes. My parents never really did praise me much, so I suppose that it’s from their reactions that I feel slightly disgusted when someone highly congratulates me. I’ve become accustomed to being “average” no matter what I do, that I’m nothing really unique in any my achievements. If I got an award or something special, my parents just say “good job”; if I’m lucky, they’ll give me a smile and a pat on the back. Yesterday, there was an award ceremony for students that teachers thought were outstanding in the class. When my mother first got the invitation, she was indifferent and said something along the line of “Do I have to go?” This is all normal, and I understand why my parents aren’t as involved as others. They’re comfortable at home; they’ve had their share of a tiring life and just enjoy kicking back at home when they can. Maybe I’ll be like them when I get up to their age, even though I haven’t labored as much as they did. They farmed, were in some military training, and such. Me? I just bum around home while attempting to do homework, then I go play games on the computer, then go back to homework at nine, and then I finish up at around one or two in the morning. Yes, I do have an unhealthy lifestyle (slowly but surely, I’m fixing it). I don’t know how I’m not overweight since I eat a bunch of junky food, also. My mom’s theory likes to blame it on the fact that I never sleep, so all my bodily fat is used up as energy.
I think I’d rather be fatter. Sure, it’s “nice” to just be average all the time in everything you do, but then people who think they’re fat start saying how lucky you are to be skinny. Those people irritate me, but after they say it to me a few times, I get a hysterical laugh or two out of it, so it’s all good, I suppose. But honestly, what’s with people and their overcomplicated desire to be “pretty”, or “skinny”, or whatever they want. Sure, I’m self-conscious about my legs and I think they’re unattractive, but whatever. Who cares what people think! The only thing that drags down people most of the times is what they think about themselves. I know that there are those jerks around that openly say whatever they want, without regards to other’s feelings, and then the insulted person starts to feel insecure or upset.
You know what I just realized after my ranting? I can contradict myself forever. I’m pretty sensitive to what people say to me, yet I say I prefer insults and that I don’t care what people think or say about how I look. Now I feel like this entire entry is beginning to have no point besides the fact that everything is true but then sometimes I contradict myself, and so everything I said is wrong. I’m beginning to lose my train of thought.