I'm Losing the Will to Live

I wonder if spirits exist. Today, on the Chinese holiday, the Moon Festival, my dad held a small ceremony for his father, my grandfather, which he hold in the backyard every few months. My grandfather died a few years back, and my father would sometimes take the framed picture of his father to the backyard, bring food out, burn fake Chinese money, and burn incense and candles. He would go ahead burning the money, and then after he finished a package, he stands there in a moment of silence. I wonder what he thinks during that time. For the weeks after my grandfather passed away, I was not allowed to go to his funeral because of school. So at home, I'd face a corner and just sit there. I wondered if I prayed to my grandfather there, if he'd hear me. If he did, if he was there, everywhere, would he understand English? Would my poor Chinese grammar allow him to understand what I'm trying to say to him. I'd sit there just once in a while and talk to him through my thoughts. If I was at home alone, I'd talk outloud. sometimes I'd talk about my day, others I'd tell him my guilt. I wonder . . . if he's proud of me. Does he approve of my decisions, my beliefs, my actions? Will he understand why I choose to follow the path I do? My beliefs are messed up, but they're mine. Would he respect me for trying to protect what I believe?
Is he there, though? Is there an afterlife? What is the point of living if you're going to die and there's nothing? My history teacher, who's also the psychology teacher told us why she thinks different cultures have their own beliefs, or rather, why mankind try to make themselves believe there is an afterlife. She said it's because we want some sort of result from our actions on Earth. To hope those who did wrong, God, the underworld, or their next life will punish them. Those who are good are rewarded somehow. But really, there's no point in living if we get nothing. What's the point? I don't want to live if there'll come a day when there's nothing. Everything I leave behind, how much will stay. How much will keep existing on this dying world? Is there an end of the world? Is everything humans have done to improve life done nothing but to slowly destory the Earth and everything will prove in vain. Pain, fear, hatred, sins. I wonder if everything I feel is worth less than ashes. A gentle wind can stir them and a small gust can blow them away, then they're just part of the dirt we tread on. What's the meaning of life, indeed?
Speaking of my history teacher, as well as the idea of being punsihed in your next life, my history teacher also spoke of that. The Hindu belief, which I have somehow come to believe at one point in my life*, is where you will be reincarnated and depending on how heavy your sins were in your past life, that's how much you will suffer in the future. That is your punishment. She said something along those lines. I've began to wonder about how there is more unhappiness than joy (this was some other day when I was pondering this). If reincarnation is real, and what my teacher said was true, then no wonder our lives are sometimes feel like it's falling apart. This is just from a manga, but I believe it said the right words. "Our hands are stained by the blood from the animals our ancestors killed." In the next life, we were punished by what they did in the past. Then collectively, from Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride, the so called seven deadly sins, our lives have come to how it is so far. Pain, fear, hatred, sins. Maybe our lives will continue this way. Our simple lives and our simple pains have evolved. Every step forward is a step backwards. You can't stop going forward. Every jump is a fall. Every smile is a frown. Everything is useless. Everything you do is going to ruin everything.

*My version of the "Hindu belief" was that you died, go to either heaven or the underworld. If you go to heaven, you will be forgiven by the small blunders of your life--since I don't believe anyone dies pure and free of sins except for the unborn or newborns. If you go to the underworld, you will be punished and purged. Then you'll reincarnated as a new person who'll get a fresh start.