Wonderment

Sometimes I like to sit back and stop anything and everything I'm doing. Just a moment to think. And the melancholy thought rolls in. "Why do people like me?" I can see many traits in my friends that make the likable and why I'd want to be around them. However, myself? I do see as many. I will admit honestly, I do try to be nice and helpful to my friends. If they've been having a bad day, I want to be there and lend a shoulder to be wept upon. Except sometimes, I don't even think I'm worthy of their love or admiration. Allow me to rant and lavish angrily at myself for a moment.
I'm short-tempered, first of all. Very. It's been better lately, but sometimes, I feel that old, violent angry in me comes back where I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, until my throat bleeds and burns. I clench my fists but keep them at my sides. I wish to kick and fight, but I bind myself still. Awkwardly still. Oh, how I wish I could just unleash those bound limbs and fight. This is the only thing I am extremely capable at controlling, before my emotional control. Even at my peak, I somehow coax myself to calm down enough to relax and look neutral once again.
I like to pretend that I'm this knowledgeable person sometimes, this mature figure people think they can depend on. But I'm not. I constantly lecture one friend of mine on how she should stop lying to herself and everyone around her, for her to just be herself. Well, how silly. I don't think I'm myself. I pretend occurrences happened in my life, but they didn't. They were just figments of my imagination used to make people think I have an interesting life that's either funny, painful, sorrowful, lonely, or whatever. If you ask several people I'm acquainted with, you can tell the alternation of a person they're talking about. The problem with my friend and her version of trying to spice up her life is that she is very obvious, almost to the point where I think she's just trying to tick me off by lying. She says things that contradict, events overlap so it can't be possible to happen, the same person at the same time does the opposite thing then what she said the first time, and there are many things. I'm at least relatively consistent, I know how to act with a certain group of people, and I remember generally what I've said to them. you can say that I'm scolding my friend for her acting out her imagined life poorly. Which is still messed up.
Well, continuing from what I was saying earlier. I'm very boring. I don't have anything about me that's interesting. I'm a normal girl with average grades who's mood is neutral half the time. I don't do anything fun. I sit there and play games. Maybe read once in a while. Paint or draw even less often. Listen to a lot of music. Eat some junk food and maybe some fruit. I do my homework. Then I sleep. It's not like I'm in a sport or anything, I don't have this "family" or team. I go home everyday right after school and sleep, trying to not think of what I could be doing or what I should be doing. I don't think about how deep down I wish I was a part of them. To share an activity I want to do with others, to work together, to help each other. Then I think about how useless I am. I'm no good at sports, I can't throw, can't catch, can't hit with a bat, racket, club, etc. The only think I can be even considered good at is running, but still. I fail. I'm utterly useless, and no one would want me.
At times, I am really a nasty person. I think very negative things about the people around me, about my family, teachers, even my friends. And to an extent, sometimes I wished we'd just stop being friends. I'd be frustrated at how they'd come flocking to me all the time when I'd rather not speak to them. I seriously think that the people I want to hang out with depends on the time of the year and how I'm feeling. Sometimes, I see people and I just want to run to them and give them a big hug. Other times, I have a hard time to stop myself from running away from people walking in my direction. And the rest of the time, most of the time, I'm neutral. I notice them, but I am neither excited or displeased at seeing them. I don't walk to them, but I don't walk away, just going to my destination, my locker or a classroom perhaps.
Whenever I just think about those things, I disgust myself. What kind of friend am I? The person you can rely on one minute, and the person who wants to kill you the next?