I Always Seem to Type to Blog Title Last

Here I am as always, up during unsightly hours of the morning that could also be referred to as night. I've been thinking a lot, as always, and you know, I feel very insecure. I'm not going to go on a rampage again about feeling "uneasy" and all, this is a different type of insecurity. I think. Ages and ages before on this blog, I told a tale from years before, my childhood. If I think about what I say to people, I feel like I make it overly dramatic about having no "real" friends back then. I blamed a great deal of my old friends for using me and wanting to do nothing with me when I was long overdue. But I kind of wonder if it's really just all my fault. I was happy. I really did enjoy hanging out with them, Meghan, Erin, Mary Anne, Stephanie, Tiffany, Kayla, Caroline, Jennifer, Catherine, and of course, Michelle. During the different years, I've moved on from friend to friend, and in most cases, I never really talked to my old friends from the previous grade. She'd be busy with her new friends, and I'll be busy with mine, but it never really bothered me until the fourth grade. The story is long and has been told too many times, but it's a real-life story that I felt like changed my entire view of my friends. Betrayal and blurred memories are cruel things. All I know is that, after that day, I've accused my friend at the time for using me and backstabbing me. But is what I thought happened really occur? Is everything I told myself a lie, and all the hatred built up from falsehood? Was one of the few grudges I could never let go never existent between the two of us? Then it wasn't just her, that one girl, it was all of them. I thought ill of my old friends, but wasn't it the both of us who moved on? Wrath is a sin I am guilty of. Michelle was the only one who was spared from my criticism and judgment. After all, she was the only one who'd talk to me once in a while even after kindergarten has passed. Year after another, we'd hang out once in a while. That's how she became to be my best friend, and somehow my "only real friend". This old tale gets longer when I've learned to regret what I've thought about my friends, though the story never seems to change (As I've said in a previous post, I tend to want pity. Hey, this entire post could be filled with my pity-yearning words. I can't even understand myself anymore . . .). In the sixth grade, when my sister went off to college, it got lonesome at home, and I felt bad about never making an effort to stay friends with people for over a year. And so I ventured to enforce my friendship with Michelle. Before I entered middle school, I was torn when I learned Michelle wasn't attending the same school as me. I wanted to hold onto her, the one person who never seemed to get sick of my company and the person I worked with so much so that our bond was strong. I found that our friendship wasn't so flimsy and I would go and contact Michelle occasionally over the two years. When I moved onto high school, the first thought that entered my mind was, "I can see Michelle almost everyday again." And when the school year began, I wondered. Indeed, I got to see her, talk to her, but then she'd hang out with her friends. Of course she'd make new friends. Michelle isn't a person who'd go past the years without making an effort to be around people she likes. I made friends, people who I really enjoy being around, too. But you know, they always hang out. They go to the beach, they go to movies, they have picnics and potlucks. Some days, I would just I stand behind Michelle and listen to her talk to her friends. She'd sound so happy, and the rest of them were too, laughing until their guts hurt. And sometimes I wondered if she liked being around them more than me. I'm not that cheery of a person (go figure). I try to look on the bright side, but when it comes to the "bright side" for me, it's more like the loony side. If you hang out with me a lot (I don't know who would be reading this if they didn't), don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Laughing insanely for no reason, talking nonsense and babbling weird, happy things. I know I can be happy without being a nut, but I feel like I'm just a nut anyways all the time. By the way, I'm very self-conscious about being "weird" around people I don't really know which is usually why in class, I'm as stiff as a stick--which are actually pretty bendy, depending on it's thickness. Anyhow, I'd worry if I bring Michelle down sometimes. "Live, laugh, and laugh some more." is her motto, she told me once. Every now and then, I have an insecure moment for myself to worry about my friendship with her. One of the days happened to be yesterday, by the way. Program verification day is coming up for school, which means we need to find locker buddies and such. Last year, I was Michelle's partner, and this year, I forgot about the whole thing for so long, I was worried that someone else teamed up with Michelle (Last year, I asked her several months in advance because I didn't want her middle school friends taking the opportunity. Not like I didn't/don't love you guys, Pie.). I worried all day yesterday and I finally gathered up the courage to call (Since in truth, I get nervous about phone calls.). The line was busy and I threw my phone down dramatically then proceeded by shaking my fists at the heavens. But then I had to check if my phone was still alive. Yes, I was trying to be funny when I was typing that (Although it did happen, strangely enough.). Was anyone amused? Then, today, when my dad handed the phone over to me and I was pretty surprised when I heard Michelle's voice on the other end. I was absolutely blissed that she called me to ask if I wanted to be locker buddies with her, absolutely blissed. Right now at um, 3:30AM, I'm still very happy that she wanted to be paired up with me again. She even said sorry for not really staying touch with me, which was so nice of her, especially since I basically did nothing either . . . Guilt trip. Then we had a nice little talk about what we were going to do about our locker, and yeah. After I hanged up, I was still high on relief. Then I went back to my guilt trip. I doubt Michelle at times, about if she really wants to hang out with me or not, but then she does something for me that just makes me want to slap myself for being a bad friend and doubting her. You know, after typing for so long, and now I'm really really really tired, I went from a serious typing blog person to a person who wants to put in a random comedy video that I haven't even seen. Basically, I have no idea why I'm talking about this anymore. I had to scroll up to reread what I said earlier. Insecure. Yeah, I felt insecure about my friendship with Michelle, but now it's all better. Yay! Okay, I'm going to bed, night.

What Happened?

Well, I totally don't remember what's been happening in the last few days, so I'll have a hard time summing it up.
There was Friday and we were playing Foccer in cross country again. I managed to not trip. I just go rammed into by Yasmin several times, but it's all good. No bruises, no cuts, which means no bleeding internally or externally. If you ask me, it was a pretty successful day.
I went home after going to the weight room, took a shower, went on the computer for a bit. It was around 11 o' clock when I decided to sleep for a little while. I didn't see it coming, my mom yelling at me to wake up. At 3 o'clock. I had another potluck to go to, this time with Revathi, Diana, Yasmin, Hee Soo, and, Pooja. A small group of people who I had to make sandwiches for! So once again I had the duty of making sandwiches. Once I was done, I had a few moments to mess around and then I had to bustle over to Friendship Park, which only took me a few minutes to walk to from my house. It was pretty fun. Pooja brough yummy pasta, Hee Soo brought soda and leftover chips (from her sister's party apparently), Diana brought chips, Yasmin brought cookies and some random french bread that smelled really good, and Revathi brought the plasticwear. The food was good. Once again, though, my sandwiches had leftovers. I don't think I mentioned this in the blog post about the other potluck, but apparently everyone ate before coming and was too full to finish my sandwiches. I ended up eating a bunch of it and near the end of it, a few people took one. Anyhow, we just sat around, talking for a while, then Revathi and I kept stealing Hee Soo's bike--which she used to ride over to the park--to ride around the park. It was fun. I haven't ridden a bike in several years. I was really shaky at first, but then I got the hang of it again, and I was glad that you never really forget how to ride a bike. We sat down like civilized people again to talk, eat food randomly, then at some point, Yasmin stole Hee Soo's bike, Diana and Revathi ran off to go on the swings, and other crazy stuff was happening. During all this time, a bunch of pictures was being taken. It was nice how we actually got pictures of all of us hanging out. Most of the time, Diana and Revathi just hide from the camera, so there aren't ever any decent pictures to post on Facebook or anything. Of course all the other people on Facebook (especially the people including Jennie, Emily, Timothy, Avi, and Kyle) post millions of pictures of every time they go out and play.
On Saturday, I just went to art class. I saw Julia, of course. We talked a bit during break. It was pleasant to have someone to talk to for once. As I believe I've said before, during break, I normally just sit there, on some days I get up for a drink of water, but other than that, my butt is on the chair.
Today, Sunday, I didn't accomplish much. I did clean a big chuck of my room, I'm so proud of myself! Oh, and during the course of the week, I've slowly been progressing on my math homework. My sister says that I have until Friday to make up all the work I should have done while she was in China--in the end, I never finished it--or else she'll start charging me money for each late day. My family is crazy, my sister keeps telling me, "do your math homework!", my mom tells me a few minutes later, "clean your room!", and my dad just appears out of nowhere to steal my chips (jokingly. He always steals my food.) when he can get his own from the bag. I can't do my math homework and clean my room at the same time, guys! I could try, I did try, I failed. In the end, I gave up and starting playing games on my computer. Since I cleaned a part of my room, I guess I'll spend tomorrow doing some math homework instead. That way I can sort of keep the two of them happy. Oh, and my dad should just get his own chips.

Wonderment

Sometimes I like to sit back and stop anything and everything I'm doing. Just a moment to think. And the melancholy thought rolls in. "Why do people like me?" I can see many traits in my friends that make the likable and why I'd want to be around them. However, myself? I do see as many. I will admit honestly, I do try to be nice and helpful to my friends. If they've been having a bad day, I want to be there and lend a shoulder to be wept upon. Except sometimes, I don't even think I'm worthy of their love or admiration. Allow me to rant and lavish angrily at myself for a moment.
I'm short-tempered, first of all. Very. It's been better lately, but sometimes, I feel that old, violent angry in me comes back where I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, until my throat bleeds and burns. I clench my fists but keep them at my sides. I wish to kick and fight, but I bind myself still. Awkwardly still. Oh, how I wish I could just unleash those bound limbs and fight. This is the only thing I am extremely capable at controlling, before my emotional control. Even at my peak, I somehow coax myself to calm down enough to relax and look neutral once again.
I like to pretend that I'm this knowledgeable person sometimes, this mature figure people think they can depend on. But I'm not. I constantly lecture one friend of mine on how she should stop lying to herself and everyone around her, for her to just be herself. Well, how silly. I don't think I'm myself. I pretend occurrences happened in my life, but they didn't. They were just figments of my imagination used to make people think I have an interesting life that's either funny, painful, sorrowful, lonely, or whatever. If you ask several people I'm acquainted with, you can tell the alternation of a person they're talking about. The problem with my friend and her version of trying to spice up her life is that she is very obvious, almost to the point where I think she's just trying to tick me off by lying. She says things that contradict, events overlap so it can't be possible to happen, the same person at the same time does the opposite thing then what she said the first time, and there are many things. I'm at least relatively consistent, I know how to act with a certain group of people, and I remember generally what I've said to them. you can say that I'm scolding my friend for her acting out her imagined life poorly. Which is still messed up.
Well, continuing from what I was saying earlier. I'm very boring. I don't have anything about me that's interesting. I'm a normal girl with average grades who's mood is neutral half the time. I don't do anything fun. I sit there and play games. Maybe read once in a while. Paint or draw even less often. Listen to a lot of music. Eat some junk food and maybe some fruit. I do my homework. Then I sleep. It's not like I'm in a sport or anything, I don't have this "family" or team. I go home everyday right after school and sleep, trying to not think of what I could be doing or what I should be doing. I don't think about how deep down I wish I was a part of them. To share an activity I want to do with others, to work together, to help each other. Then I think about how useless I am. I'm no good at sports, I can't throw, can't catch, can't hit with a bat, racket, club, etc. The only think I can be even considered good at is running, but still. I fail. I'm utterly useless, and no one would want me.
At times, I am really a nasty person. I think very negative things about the people around me, about my family, teachers, even my friends. And to an extent, sometimes I wished we'd just stop being friends. I'd be frustrated at how they'd come flocking to me all the time when I'd rather not speak to them. I seriously think that the people I want to hang out with depends on the time of the year and how I'm feeling. Sometimes, I see people and I just want to run to them and give them a big hug. Other times, I have a hard time to stop myself from running away from people walking in my direction. And the rest of the time, most of the time, I'm neutral. I notice them, but I am neither excited or displeased at seeing them. I don't walk to them, but I don't walk away, just going to my destination, my locker or a classroom perhaps.
Whenever I just think about those things, I disgust myself. What kind of friend am I? The person you can rely on one minute, and the person who wants to kill you the next?

Just One of Those Days

So today was a pretty decent day. My friends, Diana and Revathi came over to my house to hang out (even though I think it's pretty boring at my house, Revathi insists that vegetating together is much more fun). My other friend, Yasmin, she was supposed to be here, but due to a slight mix up about the plans, it turns out she couldn't be with us today on our day of sitting around, with occasional chatter. We played some Chinese checkers, stared at each others' blogs, and sat there talking about random things. It wasn't a "wow, today was the best day of my life and it was so exciting!" kind of day, but it was nice to have them to just to chill.