I Always Seem to Type to Blog Title Last

Here I am as always, up during unsightly hours of the morning that could also be referred to as night. I've been thinking a lot, as always, and you know, I feel very insecure. I'm not going to go on a rampage again about feeling "uneasy" and all, this is a different type of insecurity. I think. Ages and ages before on this blog, I told a tale from years before, my childhood. If I think about what I say to people, I feel like I make it overly dramatic about having no "real" friends back then. I blamed a great deal of my old friends for using me and wanting to do nothing with me when I was long overdue. But I kind of wonder if it's really just all my fault. I was happy. I really did enjoy hanging out with them, Meghan, Erin, Mary Anne, Stephanie, Tiffany, Kayla, Caroline, Jennifer, Catherine, and of course, Michelle. During the different years, I've moved on from friend to friend, and in most cases, I never really talked to my old friends from the previous grade. She'd be busy with her new friends, and I'll be busy with mine, but it never really bothered me until the fourth grade. The story is long and has been told too many times, but it's a real-life story that I felt like changed my entire view of my friends. Betrayal and blurred memories are cruel things. All I know is that, after that day, I've accused my friend at the time for using me and backstabbing me. But is what I thought happened really occur? Is everything I told myself a lie, and all the hatred built up from falsehood? Was one of the few grudges I could never let go never existent between the two of us? Then it wasn't just her, that one girl, it was all of them. I thought ill of my old friends, but wasn't it the both of us who moved on? Wrath is a sin I am guilty of. Michelle was the only one who was spared from my criticism and judgment. After all, she was the only one who'd talk to me once in a while even after kindergarten has passed. Year after another, we'd hang out once in a while. That's how she became to be my best friend, and somehow my "only real friend". This old tale gets longer when I've learned to regret what I've thought about my friends, though the story never seems to change (As I've said in a previous post, I tend to want pity. Hey, this entire post could be filled with my pity-yearning words. I can't even understand myself anymore . . .). In the sixth grade, when my sister went off to college, it got lonesome at home, and I felt bad about never making an effort to stay friends with people for over a year. And so I ventured to enforce my friendship with Michelle. Before I entered middle school, I was torn when I learned Michelle wasn't attending the same school as me. I wanted to hold onto her, the one person who never seemed to get sick of my company and the person I worked with so much so that our bond was strong. I found that our friendship wasn't so flimsy and I would go and contact Michelle occasionally over the two years. When I moved onto high school, the first thought that entered my mind was, "I can see Michelle almost everyday again." And when the school year began, I wondered. Indeed, I got to see her, talk to her, but then she'd hang out with her friends. Of course she'd make new friends. Michelle isn't a person who'd go past the years without making an effort to be around people she likes. I made friends, people who I really enjoy being around, too. But you know, they always hang out. They go to the beach, they go to movies, they have picnics and potlucks. Some days, I would just I stand behind Michelle and listen to her talk to her friends. She'd sound so happy, and the rest of them were too, laughing until their guts hurt. And sometimes I wondered if she liked being around them more than me. I'm not that cheery of a person (go figure). I try to look on the bright side, but when it comes to the "bright side" for me, it's more like the loony side. If you hang out with me a lot (I don't know who would be reading this if they didn't), don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Laughing insanely for no reason, talking nonsense and babbling weird, happy things. I know I can be happy without being a nut, but I feel like I'm just a nut anyways all the time. By the way, I'm very self-conscious about being "weird" around people I don't really know which is usually why in class, I'm as stiff as a stick--which are actually pretty bendy, depending on it's thickness. Anyhow, I'd worry if I bring Michelle down sometimes. "Live, laugh, and laugh some more." is her motto, she told me once. Every now and then, I have an insecure moment for myself to worry about my friendship with her. One of the days happened to be yesterday, by the way. Program verification day is coming up for school, which means we need to find locker buddies and such. Last year, I was Michelle's partner, and this year, I forgot about the whole thing for so long, I was worried that someone else teamed up with Michelle (Last year, I asked her several months in advance because I didn't want her middle school friends taking the opportunity. Not like I didn't/don't love you guys, Pie.). I worried all day yesterday and I finally gathered up the courage to call (Since in truth, I get nervous about phone calls.). The line was busy and I threw my phone down dramatically then proceeded by shaking my fists at the heavens. But then I had to check if my phone was still alive. Yes, I was trying to be funny when I was typing that (Although it did happen, strangely enough.). Was anyone amused? Then, today, when my dad handed the phone over to me and I was pretty surprised when I heard Michelle's voice on the other end. I was absolutely blissed that she called me to ask if I wanted to be locker buddies with her, absolutely blissed. Right now at um, 3:30AM, I'm still very happy that she wanted to be paired up with me again. She even said sorry for not really staying touch with me, which was so nice of her, especially since I basically did nothing either . . . Guilt trip. Then we had a nice little talk about what we were going to do about our locker, and yeah. After I hanged up, I was still high on relief. Then I went back to my guilt trip. I doubt Michelle at times, about if she really wants to hang out with me or not, but then she does something for me that just makes me want to slap myself for being a bad friend and doubting her. You know, after typing for so long, and now I'm really really really tired, I went from a serious typing blog person to a person who wants to put in a random comedy video that I haven't even seen. Basically, I have no idea why I'm talking about this anymore. I had to scroll up to reread what I said earlier. Insecure. Yeah, I felt insecure about my friendship with Michelle, but now it's all better. Yay! Okay, I'm going to bed, night.

Call Me Weird Once, Call Me Wacko Twice

I feel . . . unsteady. It's like I can't really control my emotions anymore. I don't even know if this is normal. Is this what females are supposed to experience from time to time? These "emotions like rollercoasters". It's not hard for me to imagine that there's something off with me, this isn't the first time I've questioned my sanity. Lately, I feel like everytime I smile or laugh that I could cry. People may laugh so hard until they have tears in their eyes, but is it normal if you start to chuckle and you already feel tears welling up. As though there were something sorrowful about the topic you were talking about, but you felt like you had to laugh it off. I guess that could be the case, but I don't know what I'm sad about. I see my friends rather often, my family members are in good health, and I don't feel particularly lonely or depressed. I'm starting to think that the answers may lie with school. All this test preping for the SATs is just so stressing. What if I don't get high marks, or get the score I need? Studying mathematical formulas, vocabulary words, writing techniques, I just- Feel overwhelmed, I suppose? If I think about it, if this is the reason for my uneasiness, it's rather dumb. How many people, over the years have studied, studied, studied, and crammed for the SATs? But, as I look at the stack of SAT and AP books (passed onto me from Tanya, a beloved family friend who has finished with high school and is off to MIT on the East coast to persue her dreams in becoming an engineer) and my heart aches. Call me childish, but I don't want to grow up. I have high hopes for my future and I dream about it all the time, until I realize I do nothing for them. I try studying but my mind wanders and I feel dazed. I try to focus in school, but my head turns away. I do nothing for my grades when I tell myself if I keep trying harder, I'll do better, but my heart turns aganist me. I don't even pursue my own dream by writing. It's always just an opened document left untouched. I can't even follow my sister's footsteps, ones that I've avoided so much in detest. I can't even follow Tanya, who, in the end, wound up behind my sister. I feel like I'm running in cross country; everyone passes right past me, getting perfect grades and getting accepted to great schools, but I just hang my head in shame because I know. I know it's my fault for being in the back. I'm always dreaming, planning, and doing nothing. I ran away from becoming an engineer like my dad and my sister, because I knew I wouldn't work as hard as they did. What they lacked, they worked on. What I lack, I cry over. I chose to follow my hobby, writing. In the end, even if I do enjoy it more than math and science, I do nothing. And it's always someone else getting the gold medal, and it's always going to be my sister in my eyes.

IM ANNOYED

I'm going to write a short, informal blog post today, instant messaging (IM--by the way, I put "IM" in my title without a apostrophe on purpose) style, meaning, I'm putting in emotion faces.
I'm annoyed at how easily I get annoyed. >:| Sometimes I'm pretty nice, patient, caring, and willing to listen to people talk about their problems. During that time, I'm usually relatively happy-go-lucky and hyper. Other times--most of the time--however, I'm in a mood that can be described with, "You shove me, I'll shove back, hoping there's a cliff behind you for you to fall off of, spiraling you to your doom awaiting in the painfully sharp rocks below." Yea-ah. That pretty much sums up how I feel a lot. > >;; I sometimes think I'm bipolar, but maybe I'm just very moody. I'm not too sure what's the difference between the two. :| Anyhow. I'd go into specific times when I felt like that, but there are just too many for me to want to think about. D: Whether it be friends, family, random strangers doing something I don't approve of, there's always a time where I'm just extremely annoyed at one of them. I disappoint myself.

Take It, Take All My Happiness, I Don't Need It

How typical. How very typical. Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life and today insisted that it take back every once of my joy. So yeah, as you can assume, today was an awful day.
So, in first period, Futures, nothing bad happened, I was just utterly bored. We weren't even doing anything, so we just sat around, and for those who have friends in the class, they talked to each other. I just took a nap and then we had to read this one passage thing, I don't even know what it's for, but it's this really depressing story about how this girl got murdered nearby her apartment. Even though she screamed and the people in her apartment saw what was happening, no one called the police until much later. The the passage all goes into this psychological kind of thing about, why didn't they do anything?
In second period, Algebra II, it was okay, we looked over our homework and I seemed to have gotten the gist of it. Then we got our homework. Our 101 problem math homework. It's so painful to do. Especially when we're supposed to only do half of it, but if we do the entire thing, we get extra credit. I need that extra credit. My math grade isn't even funny. It's nearing the edge of a 'C+'. So basically, I'm doing the entire thing reluctantly.
Third period, I have Biology, which means test time! I think I did okay, but yeah. Hopefully I don't drop my grade. I think I have a 'B' in there? Hopefully I won't go down to my math grade. That would suck a lot. Besides the test, there wasn't anything bad or good about that period.
After snack it went downhill.
In fourth period, P.E., we're playing tennis and all, so I was kind of excited, since I used to play a little and thought it was pretty fun. Well, I haven't played in a long while, so I'm horrible now, but that's not what upset me. The guy my team was versing chucks the ball over, it's our serve, but it was head towards me. I just held my racket out and guess what, it flew over the gate and outside. I ran to go get it, but then these other girls were like, "Oh, since you're going out there, can you get ours?" So I all run around the parking lot looking for their ball. Then I run around the tennis courts and around the fence, since I didn't want to jump it. The thing was that since I didn't, I had to run a bit of a distance to the opening of the wired fence, then run the same distance down to get the ball. Then after I got it, I ran the length of the fence, then back down it again, and back around the tennis courts. Since I figured I'd be a burden to my team if I was gone too long, I sprinted and was exhausted when I finally got back. And for some reason, my mood went from tired to extremely ticked off. We play two games a period, so in our second game this other teams shot the ball off into the parking lot area. Then after the game I asked them if they got the ball, then they're like, we have to get that? My irritated response, "Yes, you have to get the freakin' ball, Sherlock. I'm so not running laps Monday because of you." But they were was too lazy to do anything so I went looking for it, but it was in this closed off area that I couldn't get into unless I climb over the fence and it was bell was going to ring soon, my teacher left with the cart of rackets and calls already, so I ran off to the locker room. Hopefully the teacher doesn't count how many tennis balls she has.
Then in fifth period, English, apparently, I didn't do more then half the homework assignment. We're reading Romeo and Juliet and we have to summarize the stuff that's happening. So I thought the homework was to summarize Act II Scene iv, v, vi and do Act II study questions. Well when I got into the classroom and the television with our agenda on it, said our teacher was stamping Act III Scene i, ii, ii, and iv, also. I was just like, no freakin' way. Of course, my teacher has no mercy and won't allow late assignments (sometimes I wish teachers wouldn't prep us for college life). Hopefully the summaries are too many points. I was so happy that I finally got an 'A' in that class. Anyhow, continuing with my bad day, we got a bunch of homework, also. Act II and IV study questions, Act IV Scene i, ii, iii, iv, and v summaries. It's not that hard to do any of that stuff, but it's still quite a bit of work.
Lunch was bleak, the friend I'm purposely ignoring really gets on my nerves without even having to talk to me. I still heard and see what he does once in a while and they annoy me to no end, so I left to go eat somewhere else.
Finally, it was sixth period. It killed me. It was Spanish and we had our written finals today. As always, I disappoint my writer and student-self. I just hope I don't get an 'F' on it. The topic wasn't hard or anything. Write an email to your friend about what you did last week. Then ask your friend specific questions about what they did last week. Finally, end your emails by inviting them somewhere. I think my vocabulary usage was pretty good, I felt like I used words that others may have not thought of using. I was starting to grow cocky because I remembered how to say "I invite you" in Spanish. It's not even that impressive now that I think about it. Anyhow, my brain was probably reduced to a peanut after that, I couldn't even think of words to say when people talked to me. But you know what? I have Chinese finals tomorrow, and I'm volunteering at Gonsalves Elementary School tonight from 7-8PM. So it's not like I have that much time to study afterwords because I'll probably be wasted. I have 56 vocabulary words, how to write it, how to use it in context, know what they mean, and how to say it. There's probably going to be a listening portion, fill in the blanks, and make sentences on the test. Out of the 56 I probably know 5 so far. My friend claimed she was taking Chinese over the summer and I just laughed at her. I can't even begin to understand why anyone would want to take Chinese classes over the summer. I don't even have Chinese school over the summer. I would go crazy if we had to keep going through the summer, just absolutely crazy. You don't even understand how much I hate Chinese and how insanely hard it is for me. If I studied everyday for about four hours, maybe I'd get it, but of course, my irresponsible self loves to procrastinate and I probably end up cramming the last minute and fail the class.