Halloween Cackle

So after reading my previous post, I feel kind of awkward since I went trick-or-treating with my friends as planned, and it was fun. Although I don't take back what I said . . . it was how I truly felt. Anyhow, so in the first time in forever, I'm blogging about something positive. Shocker, isn't it? I'm going to start out with my sucky morning though.
Well, I had to do this Chinese presentation on a capital or something, and mine was on Rabat, which I never even heard of before. Anyhow, so I mine was the worst one. It's not even a joke. Allow me to explain why. First of all, I pronounced the capital name wrong. That's just sad. Secondly, it was't creative, no pretty or fantastic pictures of people, places, or food, unlike everyone else's. Third, I was supposed to type "Hassan Tower" on the top of the slide, but since I didn't know how, I used Wikipedia (since there's sometimes an option to see stuff in Chinese). But apparently, instead of copying "Hassan Tower", I copied "Wikipedia". That's just so freakin' sad and embarassing. Did I mention my teacher recorded everything and is posting it on Youtube? So humilating. And last, but not least, I knew nothing. Everyone's presentation, they were looking around the room, talking more in depth about their slide, like they've been there before, or something. Me, I was staring at my powerpoint, I didn't even know how to say the words have the time, too. I just felt so retarded up there.
Basically, my hatred for Chinese school has shot up dramatically and I really wish I didn't have to go back there ever again. I came home, ate some leftover pizza (yesterday, my dad and I had Papa John's pizza, it was the first time we tried it, but it was pretty darn good). I watched some anime and took an unfurfilling thirty minute nap. After dragging me out of bed, my dad drove me to art class. I wasn't in a very artistic mood, so I painted really slowly, and the details were pretty messed up, I'll fix it next week or something. I came back and kinda just laid around in bed, I dosed off for a little while, rumaged through my room for a costume, dressed up as a wannabe pirate, then headed over to Revathi's house.
Hee Soo was already there, being a weirdo. Diana took a while to arrive, what a weirdo. Yasmin's aunt had a party or something, so she couldn't come to go trick or treat with us, she's a weirdo. Ahaha. I don't know why I'm saying that. Anyhow, we kind of hanged out there for a while before leaving to go trick or treating. It was pretty awkward to hold my bag out for candy, because I seriously felt like I was some kind of beggar. It was even more awkward after I got the candy. I'd say thank you, then bring forth the courage to say, "have a nice evening." I'm so awkward around strangers. Diana and Revathi were all walking really fast, probably so they can rake in more booty (attempting pirate talk), but Hee Soo and I were all walking slowly, just cause. So, what interesting happened? Hee Soo kept getting freaked out by stuff like wavy grass, thinking it looked like a graveyard or something. Hasn't she ever seen wavy grass before? What a deprived child. Just kidding. Hrm, so the highlight of my entire day was this next part. So there was this head decoration on the porch of a person's house. Hee Soo all said how creepy it was, so just to bug her, I wanted to pat it on the head. I did so, but then it's head started moving and groaned loudly. Diana jumped and yelled, Revathi was indifferent, Hee Soo screamed loudly and clinged onto my arm . . . with her nails. It was hilarous, I started laughing obnoxiously loud so that the person in the house came outside to look what happened (that or Diana and Revathi alread ringed the bell, I'm not too sure, since Hee Soo and I took our time to catch up). Yeah, that was fun. Oh, and I saw my old afterschool English teacher. I actually don't remember her name, and after looking at her for a while, I suddenly recognized who she was. Wow, it sure brought back memories. I still remember how she'd give out the beginning of a story and we'd have to come up with the rest. I loved to hear everyone's story and we'd all laugh at how weird they were. The teacher would give out saltwater taffy, buy McDonald cookies that were still warm, give us presents during Christmas, and the homework assignments were so much fun. Ah, good times. I really missed her. I wish I had said something, but I don't think she would have remembered me. I grew taller, changed my hairstyle (I used to always have my hair up in a ponytail and have straight Asian bangs), and I had this makeshift eyepatch thing on too, which made it hard to see a good deal of my face (including my other eye . . .). Well, it was nice to just see her, regardless. I hope she's doing well.
We went back to Revathi's house, but Yasmin all wanted us to go over to her aunt's house to go trick or treating, but we decided it was a bit late. We wanted to just go over there and gamble with our candy, but Hee Soo's mom said it was too late to go out, then Revathi decided to be a pal and stay behind. Diana and I, knowing Yasmin would probably give us the guilt trip if we excluded her on the Halloween fun, left to go to her aunt's house. Diana's mom was driving us, and we all got lost. We were all staring at the MapQuest directions in the light of my flashlight. I think I got us all confused, I have a bad sense of direction, they should have known better than to listen to me! Anyhow, we finally made it there after a bunch of pauses and staring into the night to see if we can make out the house numbers in the dark. We got there and we were all worried Yasmin left to go back home or something, so we were all hiding and stuff, but then we heard a bunch of clanking, like someone was messing with the locks or something. I figured it was Yasmin and she couldn't get the door to open, so I burst out in, once again, and obnoxiously loud laugh until Yasmin finally threw open the door and Diana yelled out, "Trick or treat!" We went inside and there was food left, so we were welcomed to steal their food. You know what was so cool? The punch bowl. Why? No, there wasn't stuff in it! But there were small glass cups where you could just dip it into the punch bowl. I've always wanted to do that! It was so awesome, I just stood there, scooping up punch and then pouring it back in, then scooping up some more. Yeah, I'm weird. Anyhow, it was past 10, and Diana got a call from Revathi, then Diana relayed the message to me that my dad has been calling me for the past hour (my dad drove to her house to see where I was, even though he knew I was at Yasmin's aunt's house, but didn't know where it was). I looked at my phone, which was on silent, and there was 47 missed calls from my dad. My bad . . . After calling him and calming his worried mind, the time left at Yasmin's aunt's house was limited. We spent most of the time, holding battery-powered candle flames up to our faces and telling humorous horror stories. Ask Diana about it, it was a well-thought out story. With a hilarous ending! Then we all passed the candle light (which later became a flashlight, I have no idea where Diana found it) telling a part of the story and then passing it onto the other person to continue it. Yeah, it was funny.
I finally came home around 11 and my father was obviously not pleased. He didn't seem as angry as I thought he would be, but I guess his anger subsided in the 20 minutes since I called him.
I showered, then just sat here doing stuff, going on Facebook, blogging. Yeah. Well, I'm going to bed soon, it's like 12:32 now (wasn't typing the entire time). Night.

I Want to Sleep

I'm in an extremely irritable mood. Why? Because of my annoying schedule tomorrow. Even though, frankly, I don't think anyone gives a s--- about my day. After all, half the time it looks like I don't give a f--- about their day either, and maybe I actually don't.
Whatever.

So Halloween is here, the time of where people either want to show off their costumes or what to wear something different for once without being judged. A time where kids go around, practically begging for candy. A holiday that developed thousands of years ago, born from the fear that the transitioning dark skies, from October to November, let in so little light through the heavy clouds that the people of that time thought spirits could roll in from them. A time of mischievous pranks, jokes, kidnappings, and murders. Yes. What a wonderful day Halloween is.

From tomorrow morning to the end of the wondrous holiday, I'm needed somewhere besides my bed. 9-12PM I have Chinese school as always, because the Chinese don't celebrate Halloween. 12-2PM I eat lunch and attempt to recover from three hours of my ridiculously boring class. 2-4PM I have art class. Since Victor made me feel so guilty, like I don't try to make time for all my friends (I have four separate groups of people I want to try to hang out with everyday, but frankly, it's exhausting migrating around at lunch, visiting people and trying to make up for the fact that I'm not there half the time), I wanted to go to Regional from 4-6PM. From 6-7PM, I eat dinner, once again attempt to recuperate, then go to my friend's house so they can force a costume onto me and then take me out to walk around a dark neighborhood for who knows how long.

And honestly whether you guys take offense about what I say or not, I think you guys would know if I'm talking to you or not, I sometimes think no one cares what is going on in my life, and as I said before, I probably seem the same to you. And the reason why I haven't been around at lunch I'm trying to repair my friendship with people who I haven't got a chance to hang out ever since "Pie" was formed. I can't take a decent nap because it's uncomfortably loud, not like I've ever expected you guys to tone it down a little since time began. If I have homework to finish, it's so unbearably noisy where you guys were, I swear I once wanted to rip my homework up and throw it at you guys in utter frustration. I can't even bring myself to ask for help anymore because from previous years, you guys would attempt to help me, but then start talking about something else, so I was left with a half-explanation and then tempted to join the conversation, ignoring my homework, and get the 'C' I deserved. Serves me right for not finishing my homework at three. What I hate absolutely the most is when you guys want me to play at some game where I have to get up and accompany you somewhere, especially when I'm doing homework. Sorry, but learn to be f---ing independent. What? You want mommy to hold your hand to college, too? How about I go with you to your f---ing job interview, also? Sure, I understand it's much more fun, or you feel better, to have someone to walk around campus with you, but may I remind you that people aren't your f---ing stuffed animals who have no choice to be dragged around by you until their limbs are falling off. And sorry, I don't care if you think you look like a loser walking around by yourself and I do not care if you feel so lonely that you can't walk less than a freakin' quarter mile by yourself. Why? Because I don't. Maybe I don't understand how you've been feeling at home or if you've been neglected by your family since you were born, but if you can't even walk around school by youself, I sure hope I don't go to the same college as you. Freakin' knock on my door everytime you need to go to the bathroom that's probably just down the hall and ask me to walk you to your class (and college campuses can get f---ing big).
And of recently, not only you guys, but a huge bunch of people, kept bugging me about a Halloween costume. So as I've said repeatedly, buying a costume is a waste of money if you can't return it, I don't have time to make a costume or be creative about it, and it's too troublesome to ask around if people happen to have an article of clothing I can wear. As the way I am now, what's the point of wearing costumes? Showing off your outfit? Wearing something you wouldn't wear on your average day? Are actually celebrating the holiday? Do you think all this is fun? If you think that Halloween is fun, that wearing costumes is fun, if walking around dark neighborhoods and asking for candy is fun, I don't see it right now. Maybe I did in the past, maybe I will in the future, but I really can't see the fun in it at all currently. As far as I know, all this "fun" is trying to be forced onto me so that the people around me can be amused. I don't know what's more selfish, to want to have fun with your friends or to want to only address what you yourself wants to do.

Anyhow, don't mind me, you probably wouldn't be able to very much after reading this post. And after successfully wasting over half an hour, I need to finish my Chinese powerpoint and presenation. Ew.

Death by the Light

Butterscotch and roses; caramel and blood; whispers are screams.
^Ignore that.

Just felt like posting randomly. I don't even have much to say. And I have a rather lot of homework left to do. Well, me procrastinating doesn't surprise me at all.
"Can I BE any more lazy?" as Chandler from Friends may say.
I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to wake up in the morning at six in the morning just to face the 50 degrees Fahrenheit cold. I don't want to play football where the grass is so wet it soaks through my shoes. I don't want to sit in a room where I don't feel like I belong in. I don't want to be in a class where math equations prove nothing besides that I'm one of the four idiots in the class that couldn't get a 6/6 on the easiest opener. I don't want to have a class that is filled with annoying people who say annoying things as we do annoying work. I don't want to have a class where my teacher has to make a scene when I raise my hand because I have the least participation points in the class. I don't want to walk to the library where I'm practically hunched over my work sleeping the entire time. I don't want to do my homework that is either too easy or too hard. And no offense guys, but I don't want to dress up and run around playing all night after having class all day because the Chinese don't celebrate Halloween and art class just doesn't know what the heck a "holiday" is.
What I want? To sleep forever and never wake up. No suicidal implications here.
Basically a bunch of "don't wants" everywhere and a "I want". As if what I want matters in the world. There's a "I must" for those who want to live. And a "I want" for dreamers who think they can make it through life doing what they want to do. Those people either get lucky and succeed in "life" or those people are dying on the streets, bundled up in newspaper, because frankly, winter mornings are freezing cold, even in California.
Knowing me, I'd probably be the one dead in an alleyway, probably died from thirst/hunger or froze to death in my sleep, maybe I died from illness, perhaps the rats bit me to death.

Public Crying

I saw two people crying at school.
One a special-ed boy.
Another a overachieving nerd.

The special boy started crying over something of little significance, I don't really understand what he was so upset about.

The other boy was known to be an extremely nerdy person. It was in class that he was talking to a few of his friends, and I happened to eavesdrop out of boredom. This particular person has five AP classes, or so I believe. And as a sophomore, or in any year, this is truly too much, as one of his friends put it (the one who seemed to be counseling him the most), he's on "AP steroids". He still has decent grades though. I don't know how he manages, my grades are bordering 'C's, and they will be come 'C's if I'm not careful. Anyhow, I blanked over eventually, but then another one of his friend rushed past me, to the front of the room to the tissue box. And not surprisingly, I heard a stifled cry next. I turned to see him with his hands to his eyes, hunched over the table. He was a rather cheerful person in class and it was a painful sight to see him cry. I paid more attention after this. Apparently his parents aren't even in the country, they're on the other side of the world, in fact. He seemed to have an attention problem where he just wants his parents to be home and just there. His friend made a good point about how he should tell him parents how he felt. During this time of our life, it's rather important to have your parents around since sophomore year is where most people begin to decide what road they're going to take for the future. In addition, as an Asian child, his parents have high expectations of him. His parents want him to be a doctor, or something of the sort, but apparently, even the way he's doing now doesn't make his parents proud. The depressing conversation continued, and his friend said, ultimately, "Unfortunately, your parents aren't going to be around one day. And you probably already graduated from Yale and became a doctor by that time. But when the day comes when your parents are dead, you're going to look back on your life and wonder just how much of it you were really happy. No matter what your parents think, they're going to grow old and live the rest of their life, then you'll have to live the rest of yours. In the end, it's your life, don't waste it for someone else." I blanked from the conversation once more and the background sounds came into focus. Laughing people, chattering voices, the room buzzed except for that sad corner of the room. Stupefied, I was amazed me how everyone kept moving according to their own lives, with little regard of the poor crying boy and his story of unbearable stress and unhappiness. The slow and grave time suddenly transitioned to the fast and chaotic world again. The world where people's feelings rarely touch, and understanding falls short. A cruel world where souls cry at nothing everyday.

And then the bell rang.

"Those in pain talk too much, those who truly suffer don't talk enough." --JJS

Meaningless

I don't know.

There's always a hole between me and everyone. There will always be a void that I and no one can fill. A gap called feelings.

"I see." "Do you really?" It all started then.

When someone rants to you about something. And then you end it off with a "I see", a common, almost automatic, response, the conversation sort of dies from there. But then, that person said, "Do you really now?" Then I thought about it. Do I really know how someone feels after such an explanation? Can I truly ever understand, can anyone understand, how someone else feels?

I thought that if I wrote, I could convey my feelings to others. But in the dark room, the film of Lord of the Flies was playing, and after listening to people laugh at depressing parts, it seems closer to impossible. Although the actors weren't really in any danger, but they symbolized the feelings the author wanted to portray. Instead of focusing on how terrified Ralph was, some people laughed at his facial expression. If we were in his seat, making such a face may have been inevitable, or rather, we wouldn't have cared if our face looked weird. Does this even make sense? Is this even important? I wonder.

I used to think, actually, I came to think that my purpose in life was to listen to people, to understand them, to help them. I kind of feel like . . . my life really doesn't have a meaning to it.

"What makes your life worse than anyone out there?" My, this person makes me think a lot. But there's actually nothing to think about, because my life isn't worse than anyone I know out there. I was often told that I was perfect. Smart, pretty, skinny, nice, and all those other things. I was told my life was perfect. My parents are alive and living together, I get along with my sister, I have a home and a place where I belong.

It's so stupid. That I want to throw my life away. I want to bring forth death, but I'm too scared to. Am I subconsciously aware how ridiculous I am acting? But I want it to shut up. I want my mind to just shut up. I'm afraid of myself.

"What makes your life worse than anyone out there?" There's nothing. I have no reason. Nothing about my life is worse than anyone's. Yet I still want to die? Stupid. I can't even begin to comprehend how everyone else is enduring their life, but they're still going. If only I could give my life away. I used to joke around with friends that we should tell people who have no life to go buy one on the internet, they're free (not really, of course), but now, I kind of wish I could put my life on sale. My family, my face, my existence, I want to give it all away. Everything but my thoughts.

I recently said to a friend that I think it's pointless for him to complain to me if there's nothing I can do to solve the problem or if I can't help him feel better. He asked me why. Simply, I said, because it makes me feel like talking to me is just a waste of effort. Later he purposely asked for help on homework, then later asked, "Feel any better?" Stubbornly, I said, "A tad bit." He asked why else was I upset. I didn't reply. Because it's pointless to tell him. He can't do anything to help me and my dream. No one can because achieving true happiness is impossible. No one can be happy all the time. Everyone has to suffer, and everyone has to be sad every now and then, if not most of the time.

Ah, if I think about it, it's actually meaningless for me to say any of this. Nothing can be done about how I feel. No one can assure me that I understand how others feel. I can't even assure myself that I understand how I feel. Nobody can completely calm my suicidal and gory thoughts. I wish myself they'd go away. There isn't a person who can successfully lie to me that society is always happy. The impossible is impossible. It's a fantasy that can't be achieved. It merely pushes burden onto others or just utterly wastes their time.

Sorry, I was wrong to say life is meaningless when someone asked, "What is the meaning of life?" I'll correct myself now by saying, "My life is meaningless."

Continue Living

Eiichiro Oda is truly a magnificent genius. And for those of you who don't know, Eiichiro Oda is the writer/illustration of One Piece, my favorite anime series. Now, why is he a genius? Simply because of the world he built. One Piece is such a wonderful anime that depicts a world of evil and good from all sides. Dreams that are unimaginable that can only be achieved by, yes, helping each other. I remember a line the main character, Luffy, said in episode 42, after Arlong the merman said cockily that humans were useless beings. "Of course I don't know anything about swords! (Zoro*) I can't navigate either. (Nami*) I can't cook. (Sanji*) I can't even lie. (Usopp*) I know I need others to help me if I can keep on living!"
*Names of Luffy's current pirate crew, or his "nakama" which can be translated to family, friends, team, etc.
Anyhow, I just thought that was something significant amongst several things Luffy has said.
The One Piece world is also something I find absolutely amazing. The islands that Luffy visits are teeming with adventure and wonders. Places that are commonly overused by media and places that are so unique and original, they can put you into shock. And with each place, there's always unforgettable characters, a sad history, a unique way of life. There's so many things that makes me laugh and cry over. Too many things to mention. Just about a million things could be said about One Piece, the world Eiichiro Oda has created, but there's nothing that seems to fit how meaningful and enjoyable of a show it is to watch.
Somehow, with each episode, makes me feel like life's worth living for after all.

Cry of the Wind

"A fool once said, 'If happiness can only be received through pain, then I desire none.' And the fool was left with nothing but despair." --JJS
If you aren't willing to suffer to be happy, you're in just as much pain than ever before.

"If you stabbed me a hundred times with your lies, what makes you think I'll heal and pretend nothing happened." --JJS
If you lied to me constantly, what makes you think that I'll ignore them and continue believing you. If one lived after being stabbed so severely, there is no way they'd leave unscathed.

"The world sat on your shoulders and you brushed it off. The world shattered and so did you." --JJS
You had your duties and responsibilities to carry out. When you neglected them, not only did everyone stop trusting you, but there was no one left for you to rely on. There was nothing left for you.

"The demon lives in the cave that is our soul. And its blood beating to a rhyme called our hearts." -JJS
Evil is always in our souls and its always walking in stride with us, right next to us, it is us.

"The rainbow didn't lead the pot of dreams. It led to nothing." -JJS
Following a rainbow, you should find a pot of gold, gold that could help you achieve your dreams. But there was nothing. No gold. No dream. At the end of the line, there's nothing but a field of rough, short-cut grass and a crying figure that is you.

"If you thought I cared, you made a little mistake, you forgot a zero." --JJS
I don't care, and if you thought I did, it's like writing 10 instead of 100, 100 instead of 1000, 1000 instead of 10000. Basically, you failed.

"If you thought just being there for me was enough to hold up a falling pillar. You're wrong." --JJS
Listening isn't going to save one's will to live. Listening isn't a panacea to stress, pain, and suffering.

"If you're going to complain, at least take off the blinds." --JJS
Complain, go ahead, but if you're going to, stop rejecting everything the listener says, be open minded. You aren't a horse with blinds so they can only see what's in front of them. Not to mention that your listener is listening to you b---- about your life when they have their own, mine as well as let them talk, too, and not to a wall. If they're trying to think of the "bright side", I'm sure they feel just as frustrated as you if you snap back, "You just don't get it" or "No, you don't even understand what I'm talking about." If you don't think the person you're talking to understands then just shut up. Stop wasting you and your listener's time.

"Tell jokes that will make people laugh. Don't make 'jokes' that make people cry." -JJS
Jokes are jokes. Pranks are pranks. Not everyone wants to be pranked because no everyone thinks they're so funny, because they're lying jokes.

History of my Life

I'm almost done with homework. Shocker isn't it? I feel like I don't have as much homework especially after yesterday's little expedition. What the heck I'm talking about? So I don't even remember myself if I posted about this or not, but I got a schedule change. A bunch of people got papers saying they got a new schedule and they'll be going to those classes starting Monday. Yeah, I wasn't one of those people. Instead, Thursday afternoon, after the classes have switched around, a guy entered the room and gave my teacher a paper that claimed I haven't been in class for the last four days. You can probably figure out what happened after that. So when I entered the new class I got a worksheet reviewing Chapter 1 of the textbook, which had absolutely no relevance to what I was doing in my other class, but I decided to just deal with it. Friday and then the weekend passed by, but Sunday, I was staring at my agenda. I took note that earlier in the week, when I wasn't in the class yet, that everyone was assigned book reading, which would help prepare you for the test and the questions on the Chapter 1 worksheet asks about those chapters. It was around midnight when I thought to myself, I'll just read it tomorrow. As my bad luck likes to mock me, while suddenly remembering that my new history teacher is notorious for giving out lots of pop quizzes, we had a pop quiz based on the reading. In the end, I think I got one or two right out of ten questions. I was rather shocked that I knew the answers. Then Monday passed, and then Tuesday, yesterday, the fated day came where I had to finish the Chapter 1 worksheet, all (about) forty questions and all its glory. Not that bad, when you think about it, but there was a lot to say, and I didn't want my teacher to think of me as a lazy slob (which I am) especially after the quiz results. Thus, I resulted with six pages (only front side) of ink, sweat, blood, and history. It took me forever, but I felt impressed with myself afterwards. I'd feel even better if the skin on my ring finger wasn't peeling. Yes, that's how intense it was. Hah . . . Yeah, my point basically was to say that I had a huge amount of work yesterday, where I worked from 3PM to 2AM without even messing around. Even I'm learning to be responsible now.

Back From the Dead

Avoiding my homework as always.
I feel like I've become a real slob lately. I honestly just ignore my homework until maybe, now. Then I start homework, working until 2AM. Then at school, since I was dumb and procrastinated so much, I just sleep during lunch, since it's become a sort of routine that Victor wakes me up and then we go to Spanish (since our classes are right across from each other). Speaking of Victor, I've been talking to him more lately via instant messaging. Somehow I feel like he's the only one I talk to a lot now. Or rather, who I feel like talking to. Kevin ( if you guys don't know him, is a close friend of Victor's who is really into poetry) IMs me quite frequently, too, usually to ask me how I'm doing since I've been rather depressed lately, but somehow I don't feel like talking to him. I suppose it's because he just asks me the same questions like, "How are you doing today?" and such. Kyle will IM once in a while, too, usually to try out another psychology trick to reveal my inner personality or something. It's actually pretty interesting until he tries to pry answers from me about something that I'd rather not talk about at the moment. Normally Victor would comment on my status or something, which makes the conversation rather interesting, before we randomly turn to a different topic that ranges from homework questions to our interpretation on philosophical theories. Hrm, I wonder if my friend circle is closing down. I talk to Diana, Hee Soo, Revathi, and Yasmin on a regular basis. I haven't talked to Michelle for a while, minus the quick exchanges at our locker and 'hi's when we see each other around school. I don't speak to Pooja, Andrea, or Patricia as much anymore. I've gotten a chance to talk to Kora more now, since our street lockers are right next each other and our P.E. lockers are as well. Although I hang out with Emily and the others are lunch once in a while, I just don't seem to be very involved in their conversations. I'm actually doing my homework or sleeping there half the time. Except I have noticed that Sarah and Amanda seem to be depressed as well. I wonder what's wrong. Well, on the upside, my social circle, if not friend circle took a small step upwards since the people in journalism are friendly. Oh, since I haven't been blogging lately, I should probably say so now. Recently, people have been calling me by the wrong name. First of all, some of my friends call me Diana. It's really weird. Anyhow, by other people, my name has been altered to Jennifer and Jessica. Jennifer, I can understand. Jenny isn't a common name by itself, it's usually a short version of Jennifer. However, Jessica? A girl in my journalism class keeps calling me that, saying, "Hi Jessica," when she sees me. As an automatic response (since I saw her already) I waved. That was kind of like I acknowledged that my name was Jessica . . . I feel dumb correcting her now. Although, I attempted to once in class, but she didn't exactly hear me, which destoried the last bit of my courage. Well, all in all, my life seemed to have posted around "end" and "start" signs in my life.
Just to state randomly, I feel like my personality has greatly changed this year.

idek

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in this year. So firstly, my classes didn't seem to bite at me, even though I was in a rush to finish some homework in the morning. My lunch was delicious, a chicken bake from Costco. It's the ultimate lunch, I swear. Hot and crisp, yum! Soggy and squished, still yummy! That cheered me up quite a bit. Then I felt like I productively bonded with my friends today. I got to talk to Diana and such. Mingled with Emily and company. I had a chance to hang out with Hee Soo, Yasmin, and Revathi after school, since Hee Soo made me go to this cross country event. That was pretty fun. My chief editor, Janet, said hi to me afterschool when she saw me on the bleachers. I got to say hi to one of the page editors that I've gotten to know, Ryan, and cheer for him on as he ran. So that was nice.
Strangely, I feel really depressed now, though. I don't even really want to talk about it.

I Don't Know

Untitled.

I feel that the wind could stir everything.
Not one that glides across
The surface of the Earth,
But from the universe.
Under the sun,
The planets gather like rain clouds
And meteor showers
Rain on the world.
Thunder cracks.
Cracks on the sidewalk.
Light blooming,
Blooming flowers.
Roaring cries,
Crying people.
Hurricanes don't startle us more
Than the breeze of the universe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Fluttering skies.
Step.
Step.
Vibrating air.
Bang.
Bang.
Uncomfortable pain,
That's seems so small
When the universe wind blows.

Mere Fantasies

I think I've found the source of my recent depression. I think it's my parents. Not like they've done anything, but you know, they just can't as young as they were when I was in elementary school, you know? It's been pretty weird that my mom and dad's hair, for maybe the last two years, to be growing white. It's like a reminder how old my sister is, how old I am, and obviously, how old they're getting. And since my mom's in China, the house has been more quiet. No car chase scenes or Korean people shouting from the television screen. No random comments my parents make or laughing when the music is all sad. Just the humming of my motherboard and the tapping of my keyboard is accompanying me this night. Last night, the night before, it's so quiet. And so sad. I've been getting along with my father pretty well. We talk more than we would before. Maybe it's because my mom isn't around for him to talk to. The house has toned down a bit ever since my sister went to college, and I wonder if my parents will like their life with me out of their hair. Will they be happy with their freedom, or sad with the stilled air? Would they be thinking in depth about my departure? Or is their matured mind prepared and that my absence would not disturb them. But it's so creepy when they talk about retirement. They aren't that old. Then again, it's from 5-7 years difference, between my parents' ages and a majority of my friend's parents. The difference of a sixth grader and a first-year college student. Mere numbers seem too simple in my eyes, but in the eyes of my past, it seemed just way too distant. Heh, I just remembered an old fear of mine, from when I was maybe in the second grade. I used to be afraid that my parents would soon become elderly, their appearances similar to my grandparents, and that they would forget how to speak English. Somehow that became the reason why I studied Chinese. In eight years, I've grown enough to know that my silly fears won't just happen, but it's still haunting, the image of my parents old and fragile. It seems impossible for your strong parents to look like such a shadow of their past. Then there's those "Joint Juice" containers around the house that reminds you that they aren't strong and reminds you of their aches from age. If life was a neverland, we'd always be living the same roles. The rebellious child, the nagging parents, the bothersome siblings, and wouldn't it all be well? In a fantasy world.

I'm Losing the Will to Live

I wonder if spirits exist. Today, on the Chinese holiday, the Moon Festival, my dad held a small ceremony for his father, my grandfather, which he hold in the backyard every few months. My grandfather died a few years back, and my father would sometimes take the framed picture of his father to the backyard, bring food out, burn fake Chinese money, and burn incense and candles. He would go ahead burning the money, and then after he finished a package, he stands there in a moment of silence. I wonder what he thinks during that time. For the weeks after my grandfather passed away, I was not allowed to go to his funeral because of school. So at home, I'd face a corner and just sit there. I wondered if I prayed to my grandfather there, if he'd hear me. If he did, if he was there, everywhere, would he understand English? Would my poor Chinese grammar allow him to understand what I'm trying to say to him. I'd sit there just once in a while and talk to him through my thoughts. If I was at home alone, I'd talk outloud. sometimes I'd talk about my day, others I'd tell him my guilt. I wonder . . . if he's proud of me. Does he approve of my decisions, my beliefs, my actions? Will he understand why I choose to follow the path I do? My beliefs are messed up, but they're mine. Would he respect me for trying to protect what I believe?
Is he there, though? Is there an afterlife? What is the point of living if you're going to die and there's nothing? My history teacher, who's also the psychology teacher told us why she thinks different cultures have their own beliefs, or rather, why mankind try to make themselves believe there is an afterlife. She said it's because we want some sort of result from our actions on Earth. To hope those who did wrong, God, the underworld, or their next life will punish them. Those who are good are rewarded somehow. But really, there's no point in living if we get nothing. What's the point? I don't want to live if there'll come a day when there's nothing. Everything I leave behind, how much will stay. How much will keep existing on this dying world? Is there an end of the world? Is everything humans have done to improve life done nothing but to slowly destory the Earth and everything will prove in vain. Pain, fear, hatred, sins. I wonder if everything I feel is worth less than ashes. A gentle wind can stir them and a small gust can blow them away, then they're just part of the dirt we tread on. What's the meaning of life, indeed?
Speaking of my history teacher, as well as the idea of being punsihed in your next life, my history teacher also spoke of that. The Hindu belief, which I have somehow come to believe at one point in my life*, is where you will be reincarnated and depending on how heavy your sins were in your past life, that's how much you will suffer in the future. That is your punishment. She said something along those lines. I've began to wonder about how there is more unhappiness than joy (this was some other day when I was pondering this). If reincarnation is real, and what my teacher said was true, then no wonder our lives are sometimes feel like it's falling apart. This is just from a manga, but I believe it said the right words. "Our hands are stained by the blood from the animals our ancestors killed." In the next life, we were punished by what they did in the past. Then collectively, from Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride, the so called seven deadly sins, our lives have come to how it is so far. Pain, fear, hatred, sins. Maybe our lives will continue this way. Our simple lives and our simple pains have evolved. Every step forward is a step backwards. You can't stop going forward. Every jump is a fall. Every smile is a frown. Everything is useless. Everything you do is going to ruin everything.

*My version of the "Hindu belief" was that you died, go to either heaven or the underworld. If you go to heaven, you will be forgiven by the small blunders of your life--since I don't believe anyone dies pure and free of sins except for the unborn or newborns. If you go to the underworld, you will be punished and purged. Then you'll reincarnated as a new person who'll get a fresh start.

Sharing is Caring

"Until I can reach the sky, I believe, until the next tomorrow, hey. Come on, let's go everybody, oh, we share the music. We share the music. Come on, let's go baby baby, oh, we share the one dream. Come on, let's go everybody, oh, we share the good times. We share the good times. Come on, let's go baby baby, oh, we share the one world. Getting lost in the darkness and uncovering the mystery, stopping when you can't see the destination. Umm, you and me, yes, it feels good, let's share the world. Guiding me, I feel the beat, I start walking towards it, oh yeah. Share the music, anytime. share the one dream and believe in each other. Share the good times, holding hands. Share the one world now. I keep going until I can reach the sky. Let's overcome it now, I believe in the next tomorrow, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Come on, let's go everybody, oh, we share the music. We share the music. Come on, let's go baby baby, oh, we share the one world."
Share the world --DBSK [One Piece OP 11]